RUNNER UP 2010 - Tampon Lampoon by Mary Munro
Congratulations to Mary Munro - a runner up of our 2010 Travel Story Competition.Details of this year's competition here .The story was published in our newsletter .
Tampon Lampoon
By Mary Munro
Nearing the 2 year mark backpacking around the world I crossed Africa. It is there that I realized I had lost some key things.
Of course I lost the usual: weight, socks, manners and I think my hair was beginning to fall out, but I lost my mirror so I wasn’t sure. It must have been between suffering dysentery and malaria that I first noticed I had lost track of where I was. The borders all started to look and feel alike with that similar setting: jungle; card table set up as desk to impart officiousness; soldiers with rifles in case card table doesn’t cut it; hot sun; lots of waiting around; local boys and men sit-squatting as they do watching us, the “show”.
It was at one of these borders that I noticed that I had lost something of significance, albeit a significant nuisance. My period. Poof, gone! And it must have been missing for months! Mother Nature was saying, “You’re a mess babe”. So she gave me a break in Africa.
But why was it at this innocuous boarder that I noticed my loss? It was when Mother Nature teamed up with Mother of Invention to scold bad boys, as only mothers can.
This border crossing was brutal. At the commanding gestures, shouting and rifle pointing of the soldiers, we piled out of our vehicle. We were instructed via gun language to stand by our own backpacks in the hot sun. We could see the soldiers at their card table snoozing, chatting, arguing, drinking etc. We could see the sit-squatters doodling in the cool shade. Finally, they came and one by one demanded we open our packs.
They went through the gear of my fellow travelers as slowly as possible, taking little valuables whenever they wanted; a flashlight here, a water bottle there. Things crucial, but replaceable. My friends knew to keep composed to get through this.
Then they went to my dear naïve friend who missed his girlfriend tremendously on this, his first venture away from her. The soldiers (aka cranky pants) looked at the picture he carried of her and took it. This truly gutted me as much as him. They searched for anything special to us and took it. The sit-squatters moved closer, taking the extras when the cranky pants tossed them aside. I was fuming. And then it was then my turn.
They immediately zoomed in on my tampons, the kind that don’t have an applicator and are individually wrapped like little goodies. I was an economical packer so these tampons were perfect. It was then I realized I had lost my period as I saw what a surprisingly massive supply I had. When I gasped at that realization, the cranky pants thought they were on to me. Ah ha!! Something of value!
It took me a moment to click back into reality and then I unwrapped two. I pulled out the strings so they hung in full view. I licked the ends so they would expand, just slightly. And I quickly stuck one in each ear of the cranky pants man, all the while acting as if they were the most precious goodies in the world to me. They must have felt they had sufficiently “broken” us that day. They let us go after taking every tampon I had.
As we drove away, we saw the sit-squatters and soldiers, guns in hand, scowls on faces, with my tampons bulging out of everyone’s ears and the strings hanging out. They couldn’t hear us laughing. It was good to know that I hadn’t lost everything of significance. A bit of moxie and justice more than made up for lost stuff. Period.
Mary’s most recent adventures have been on her Vespa, scooting to and from work, where wearing a helmet and heels has its advantages. Mary is an executive in the banking industry, having formerly been in management consulting and academia. Mary’s cookbook:
Amuse Yeux Menus - A Novel Array of Food & Word Play http://www.au.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1841869