RUNNER-UP TRAVEL STORY 2011 - New York - I don't think we're in Kansas... by Amy Butterworth
I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Kramer…
by Amy Butterworth
“We’ve got to find it.”
“Does it even exist?”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“Are you sure it’s on 130th St?”
“Well that Mark guy said it was! And he looked like Tom Cruise.”
“You think all Americans look like Tom Cruise.”
“They do!”
The three of us were looking for the Seinfeld Café. I wanted to make my Dad proud – Muslims make the pilgrimage to Mecca, Catholics go on a mission to the Vatican, King Arthur sought the Holy Grail. North London Jewish girls schlep to the Seinfeld Café in Uptown New York. Naturally, being 16 and on a school trip, let loose in NY without teacher escort for the day, we didn’t do our proper research. Our proper research was asking a cute guy on the Staten Island Ferry where he thought it was. And of course we believed him; he looked like Tom Cruise, like all Americans do.
So we set off on the Subway, taking some train to some station. When we got out we weren’t where we expected.
It was deepest darkest Harlem. And because it was dusk, mid-February, it was even deeper and even darker.
“I don’t think Seinfeld ever came here for a slice of pie.”
We looked to our left and there was fresh blood on the walls.
“I don’t think even Kramer would have braved it.”
We looked to our right (only because we thought we heard a gun click) and there was a cop.
“You ain’t from round here are you?”
We three English kids answered in the most English way we possibly could have:
“No sir! We’re here to find the Seinfeld Café! Would you be so kind as to tell us where it is?”
The cop chuckled darkly, shook his head and said, “Kid, get back to the subway. Don’t look left. Don’t look right – just straight down. And anyway, I think it’s on 138th Street. You’re way out.”
We said thank you (again, too loud and too cheery) and made a beeline for the dark, piss-reeking subway, and took the next northbound train.
Our second destination was even more desolate.
“I don’t think that cop has ever seen Seinfeld.”
“NYPD Blue, maybe…”
Suspicious eyes followed us from the shadows as we attempted to confidently stride, aimlessly, through the streets. We were standing on a corner, suspended in progress, our bravery slipping away as quickly as the light, when we heard the most unexpected sound:
“You awight there, sunshine? Need a ‘and?”
Our eyes fell on Steve. He was a builder from Stepney, East London. He sauntered over, bemused and concerned, having lost neither his cockney friendliness nor his swagger. We may as well have discovered Dick Van Dyke.
“Good thing I caught youse lot before you turned that corner, there’s just been a shooting. Some geezer in a drugs bust. Now, the Seinfeld Café ain’t nowhere near ‘ere, and I doubt he would have gone for a coffee at this time o’ night anyway. It’s near Columbus, darlin’. Now, you get back on the subway, home safe and sound, and try again in the morning.”
Our knight in denim overalls escorted us to the station, and we went back to our YMCA on Central Park, breathless and lucky to be alive. The teachers were livid, our classmates wide-eyed and open-mouthed as we told our tales of gangsters, shooting, a near-death experience, and acts of naïve British stoicism, in stupidly dangerous circumstances. As we turned out the lights in our bunks, hearts still pounding, we resolved that our Holy Grail might be best sought after careful expedition planning and during safe, daylight hours. And that Tom Cruise could not be trusted.
Information about the Seinfeld Café:
Otherwise known as Tom’s Restaurant (www.tomsrestaurant.net), it is ACTUALLY situated at 2880 Broadway, New York, NY 10025. Inside it is completely different to the show’s set. The walls are lined with caricatures of the characters, there's signed memorabilia (which you can buy), but there's most likely a very similar menu of regular diner fare with a definite Eastern European edge. Our friendly waitress recommended the chicken, which was way too salty, and thus deliciously authentic.
Amy's local recommendation was also a runner-up in the Leap Local 2011 Guides & Services Competition. Shack Up Inn is in Mississippi, and many of the judges said they'd love to stay in these quirky blues bunks.
Bio:
Amy is a comedian and violinist from North London. While studying Drama
at Exeter University, she discovered comedy writing and began producing her own
sketch show, co-founded the troupe Paper Monkeys and continued to tour with
them after graduation. After the group disbanded in 2007, she returned to the
theatre, acting in Shakespeare, in new writing plays around London, and in
short films. She plays violin on the comedy circuit in the UK, touring the
music festivals with Robin Ince and his Book Club, with Mark Thomas's
"Extreme Rambling" show, for Thom Tuck on Radio 4, and regularly
plays for UK hip hop and grime artists. In April 2011, she finally had a coffee
in the Seinfeld Cafe. http://www.amybutterworth.moonfruit.com/
Amy's bio photo was taken by Alyssa Boni: www.alyssaboni.co.uk
icon photo of Seinfeld's cafe (Monk's) from Wiki commons
