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Gary Buslik's Travel Do's and Don'ts
(if you're offended we promise and personally guarantee that Gary doesn't care)
AT THE WAILING WALL:
DO: Wear a head covering.
DON'T: Wear an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt
DO: When in St. Thomas, DO visit the oldest working synagogue in the Western Hemisphere.
DON'T: When in Tel Aviv, DON'T visit Esther Mandelbaum, the oldest working hooker in the Middle East.
DO: Mile-high club.
DON'T: Three-inch club.
WHEN VISITING ANTIGUA:
DO: Visit Shirley Heights
DON'T: Visit Shirley "Soon Come" Williams
WHEN IN ENGLAND:
DO: Fleet Street
DON'T: Fleet Fast-Acting Formula
DO: When in Morocco, it is not impolite to wipe off your hookah before sucking.
DON'T: When in Amsterdam, it is impolite to wipe off your hooker before sucking.
WHEN IN VENICE:
DO: Grand Canal by Starlight: $49.95
DON'T: Root Canal by Starlight: $49.95
WHEN IN NEW YORK: DON'T visit the painting Donald Trump touching himself.
Foreign Phrases to Learn/Avoid:
DO: "I would like a hot shower."
DON'T: "I would like a golden shower."
DO: "I would like a room with a view."
DON'T: "I would like a room with your daughter."
DON'T: "Can I play with your puss?"
DO: "I believe you gave me the wrong amount of change."
DON'T: "What the hell is wrong with you people?"
DO: "This has an interesting aroma."
DON'T: "Was that you?"
DO: "I would like to rent a moped for the day."
DON'T: "I would like to rent a slopehead for the day."
DON'T: "You people are somewhat greasy."
DO: "Your goat must be a kid."
DON'T: "Your kid must be a goat."
DO: "I'd like to visit the the Church of the Holy Mother and eat a hot, juicy taco."
DON'T: "I'd like to visit your hot mother and eat her juicy taco in church."
When wrote for travel magazines, he discovered that by tossing around insincere promises, he could get hotels and restaurants to give him free rooms, meals, and drinks to write something nice about them. So he was able to forge a useless profession into a rewarding lifestyle. These days he writes novels, short stories, and essays and, in case the government should ask any questions, teaches literature and creative writing at the University of Illinois at Chicago.
His essays appear often in Best Travel Writing anthologies (Travelers' Tales). You can read his latest piece, "Lanterns of Fear," in Best Travel Writing 2011.
Gary's work has been published in many commercial magazines and anthologies. His novel The Missionary's Position is a favorite of the Caribbean tourist crowd, and his book A Rotten Person Travels the Caribbean won Benjamin Franklin and ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards for travel writing. His new book was released in March 2012.